I Touched Colin Farrell – The One That Almost Got Away

Man Whore

Colin Farrell - Man Whore

There are times when even the most dedicated celebrity toucher can find themselves either too mentally exhausted (having just watched four season’s of Sabrina the Teenage Witch on DVD) or too physically exhausted (having just gone garage sale-ing with Angela Landsbury ) to actually react when a prime touching subject is near. And, yes, dear reader, that has even happened to me. Continue reading

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I Touched LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian – Canoodling with Extra Gravy

Celebrity Home Wreckers

Eddie and LeAnn Gone Wild

It is a rare day when my celebrity location assistant powers (or the CLAP, as I call it) miss a star in my midst, particularly two of them at the same time. And even more particularly, two celebrities as scandal-ridden as Cracker Barrel sweetheart LeAnn Rimes and beefcake tomato Eddie Cibrian. You may know her better as the country music vixen who also specializes in Hollywood interior decorating, or as we call it where I grew up – Home Wrecking. Yep – ladies grab your husbands, because when this buttermilk biscuit is looking for some gravy, she don’t care if it is already on your plate or not. Just ask Third Watch-star Eddie Cibrian’s ex wife. Continue reading

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I Touched Ben Stiller – Having A Ball

Celeb Touching VictimInevitably, even the most cautious celebrity toucher will find himself in a situation where there is no avoiding the intended target knowing they have been touched.  This is particularly relevant if the celebrity toucher has been duped by a woman of low moral character, like that cry-baby woman Glenn Beck.  In my case, the woman with questionable morals I spend the most time with is a blonde bombshell we affectionately call “Spice Rack,” and trust me, she didn’t get that moniker because of her skills with an E-Z Bake Oven. Continue reading


I Touched Donatella Versace – A Major Feat


There is really only one mandatory requirement when it comes to touching celebrities, and that is you must be close enough to them to actually touch them. That seems obvious enough. The problem with this is it often requires acts of extreme bravery because once you are close enough to a celebrity to actually touch them, you are also close enough to see what they really look like. And honey child, let me tell you, that ain’t always pretty.
Donatella Versace is a perfect case in point. Continue reading
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I Touched La Toya Over Levi – A Choice Made

There comes a time in your life when everyone is faced with a Kobayashi Maru scenario (digital high five to all my nerds out there) or what some might call “the no win scenario.” You know what I am talking about: like when you go to Panda Express and you see there isn’t quite enough Orange Chicken under the heat lamps to fill your plate, so if you choose it you know it will be tasty, but you also know you won’t be full. OK, that’s a bad example, because I am never full after Chinese food. Of course, Panda Express isn’t really Chinese food, now is it? Where was I going with this? Anyway, you are often faced with situations where you have to make a split second decision between two equally bad or good choices, and if you pick one direction you will surely not get the other choice. This happens in celebrity touching all the time, particularly if there are multiple targets in the vicinity. (Did any of what I just wrote make sense?) Continue reading


I Touched Ron Howard – A Child Is Corrupted

I Touch CelebsNot to say that I have corrupted my son Nate, but let’s just say that when it comes to touching celebrities, the apple doesn’t fall far from the corn stalk. Nate and I were spending a most delightful Saturday morning in New York City recently, talking politics, astral physics and the utter pointlessness of underwear, when a celebrity touching happened upon us. At the age of six, I was surprised that my son had never touched a celebrity (the Olsen Twins are NOT celebrities), but today was about to be his day. Continue reading

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I Touched Boy George – Good Karma Chameleon

I Touch CelebsThroughout my years and years of celebrity touching, I have gone to some pretty great extremes to place my delicate, well-moisturized skin up against the calloused and blistered epidurous of a person of fame. One such incident happened a few years ago in New York. I would like to fancy you with that tale in my new series “Celebrity Touching Flash Back.”

The year was a year I cant’ remember, because I was really drunk most of that year. I do remember, I had really good hair though that year. I am not exactly sure if the drinking contributed to that or not. Anyway, the year was whenever. The location was Bungalow 8 in New York. Bungalow 8 used to be the hot spot for celebs in the Big Apple. It is where Lindsey Lohan simultaneously started and killed her career, pretty much. It was a favorite of Paris Hilton because the signs on the bathroom didn’t have tough words on them like “Men” or “Ladies.” They had pictures of people: on the men’s room, a crude picture of a man; on the women’s restroom, a crude drawing of a woman with a rather long neck and a short skirt. Paris recognized this image as a reflection into her soul, so that’s why she liked Bungalow 8. Continue reading


I Touched George Hamilton – We Don’t Wear Leather in 90 Degree Weather


George Hamilton

Soft As Leather

Still in New York and boy has this been celebrity touching central lately. I feel like Heidi Fleiss at a Charlie Sheen convention. Tuesday night I went to the premiere of the romantic comedy “My One and Only” starring Kevin Bacon and Renee Zellweger. Now, one would think that I was there to touch them, but that simply wasn’t the case. I did want to confirm that Renee is actually a fat albino Chinese woman, which is indeed the case (you have seen that face she makes in photos, right? Tell me she doesn’t look like a fat albino Chinese woman!). Continue reading

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I Touched Angelina Jolie – Tah Dow!


Angelina Jolie Boobs

Touch These!

Whoa… it has certainly been a busy week for your friendly celebrity toucher. It probably helps that I attended the premiere of the film “Inglorious Basterds” in Hollywood. Now, this little picture stars Brad Pitt, meaning the holy grail of all touchable targets could be in attendance. No, not Brad, silly. ANGELINA JOLIE!

I arrived to the premiere looking dapper with the lovely Elizabeth on my arm, and made my way down the red carpet. There was Brad up on a platform with that annoying girl from Entertainment Tonight(name them, they are all annoying) interviewing him. Way too far away for a touching. I breezed by BJ Novak (The Office) and touched his back. No big thrill. Continue reading

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The Touch That Started It All

I Touch CelebsSo, like many of you, I have had my brushes with celebrity. And also like you, I have tried to talk to celebrities, but always ended up sounding completely moronic because I simply don’t have anything to say to a celebrity that a million other fans haven’t already uttered. So, sure, I have been on stage with Charo; didn’t say anything to make her want to invite me out for Mai Tai’s later. I asked for Stephanie Powers’ (Meet Mrs. Hart, she’s gorgeous. She is one lady who knows how to take care of herself, because when they met, it was MURDER!) autograph; she didn’t buy me a yellow Mercedes SEL with Hart2Hart license plates. I have even been on Wheel of Fortune, but that didn’t mean Vanna was crying out my name during her afternoon trysts with Pat Sajak. Continue reading

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