I Touched Jennifer Hudson – Skinny Is As Skinny Does

What Happened To The Rest of Me?

I have always been a proponent of the time-honored fashion mandate:  We don’t wear leather in 90-degree weather and we don’t dress frilly when it is kind of chilly. Of course, as a celebrity you can be tempted to not always follow this golden rule, because if Marc Jacobs says the hottest trend for winter is an off-the-shoulder Glad sandwich bag, well then you wear an off-the-shoulder Glad sandwich bag… no matter what the temperature.  Thankfully, there are some stars who know that classic style doesn’t come with a ziplock.  One of those is Oscar-winner Jennifer Hudson. Continue reading

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I Touched Robin Roberts – Quick Touch

Don’t You Ask Me About Rhianna!

Celebrity Touch Target:  Robin Roberts

Why:  Because the Good Morning America host just made Chris Brown lose his sh*t and his shirt

Where:  United Airlines Flight 642 from JFK to SFO

How:  Robin Roberts is a striking woman, but no more so lately after interviewing someone who is famous for striking a woman. I spotted Robin boarding my flight at JFK, practically glowing from all the attention she has been getting recently following her interview with and subsequent freak out by R&B singer and Ike Turner-wannabe Chris Brown.  As she boarded the plane, Robin definitely had a certain “Take that Diane Sawyer!” air about her.  While making my way back to coach (Why has the Lord forsaken me so!), I spotted Robin in First Class, struggling with her bag.  Instead of helping her, like the gentleman I am not, I slinked behind her, grazing the back she was straining trying to insert her Samsonite into the overhead.  Celebrity Touch™ secured!

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I Touched Adele – Quick Touch

Tasty!

Celebrity Touch Target:  Adele

Why:  Because this UK singer and Hefty Hideway gal is burning up the charts

Where:  London Hotel West Hollywood

How:  I have to credit my faithful travel companion Elizabeth for this one, as I was not paying attention when Adele’s black Escalade pulled into the valet line.  It must have been because I was admiring my new Ted Baker leather coat in the mirror, which is truly fantastic.  Anyway, as Adele sprung (well, more like kinda flopped) from the car, Elizabeth slapped me hard across the face, with her good hand, and pointed her out.  I sprung into action, pretending to walk back into the hotel right in front of her.  As Adele neared the door, I opened it for her, as a gentleman does, touching her on the shoulder as she walked past (as only a creepy gentleman does).  Touch secured!

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I Touched Brandy – Quick Touch

Brandy

Bouncin' and Behavin'

Celebrity Touch Target: Brandy

Why:     Because she is a multi-platinum R&B artist and Demolition Derby Champ

Where:  W Hotel Hollywood

How:  Like a praying mantis on a Hippity Hop, doe-eyed Brandy was dancing on the back of a VIP booth at a Rolling Stone party when I spotted her.   If there would have been a “Booth-Top Booty Drop Challenge” on Dancing with the Stars, she surely would have won, because she was killing it!  One dramatic, yet assuredly elegant, fall into the booth by yours truly (a move invented by Spice Rack) landed the perfect touch of Brandy’s leg, and “The…Touch…Is…Mine.”

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I Touched Christina Aguilera – The Apple Falls Far From The Tree

My Hair Hurts Me

Poor Christina Aguilera can’t seem to catch a break lately.  First she accidentally marries her Uncle Sal, the accountant, which only leads to divorce (and a child who will surely have no chin).  Then she releases an album and movie that made even homosexuals bored.  Can you imagine???  And, to round out this rather horrible stage in her career, she flubbed the “Star Spangled Banner” at the Super Bowl (which was still way more tolerable than that horrifying halftime performance by the Ewoks).  All this activity reminded me of the time I touched Christina Aguilera. Continue reading

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I Touched Carlos Santana – Quick Touch

I Love Ponies!

Celebrity Touch Target:  Carlos Santana

Why: Because he is a Grammy-Award winning guitarist and his last name sounds cool when you say it after inhaling helium.

Where: San Francisco International Airport Baggage Claim

How:  Even though my baggage never made it to SFO, Carlos Santana sure did.  Relatively easy to spot in his head to toe white outfit (I know… totally before Memorial Day!).  Lightly nudged him as he waited right next to me for his Hello Kitty duffle filled with pot brownies and toaster strudel.  Celebrity touch secured!

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I Touched Chris Isaak – A Wicked Game To Play

I Need A Guitar With My Name On It

If there is one thing that Celebrity Touching™ teaches you is hope.  No matter how dire the situation seems, you can never give up hope (unless you are Meg Ryan looking for her career – in that instance, all hope is lost).   Never give up hope that you will be able to touch a spotted celebrity.  No obstacle is insurmountable.  No barrier is too great.  No Wendy’s Frosty is too thick to drink with a straw.  You must never give up.  Which is exactly how I secured the touch of hunky rock musician Chris Isaak. Continue reading

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I Touched Lesley Stahl – Quick Touch

Holding Your Chin Helps You Think

Celebrity Touch Target:  Lesley Stahl

Why: Because she is on 60 Minutes and had an amazing hairdo at five in the morning

Where: San Francisco International Airport Security Line

How:  I was forced to stall for Stahl as she chatted up the clueless TSA guards who thought she was Cybil Shepard (Note to guards:  Cybil has had WAY more work done).  As she finally passed by me in sensible flats, I grazed her shoulder with my hand.  Celebrity touch secured!

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I Touched Ice-T – Hot Coco

Ice-T Coco Photo
Ice-T and Coco

Stealth is the sign of any truly great celebrity who wants to avoid being noticed.  Good stealth techniques can make a celebrity’s trip to Long John Silver’s all that much more enjoyable. Stars utilize a wide variety of intricate technologies to achieve stealth:  dark sunglasses, wigs and Von Dutch trucker hats (bonus points to me for dated pop culture reference!).  But charismatic-rap-star-turned-wooden-actor Ice-T has mastered another stealth technique – Distraction.  And, he uses the most powerful form of distraction known to man – it’s called Coco. Continue reading

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I Touched James Franco – The Evil Eye

James Franco and a Bear Head

Let me start this celebrity touch update by first saying I like James Franco. I really do. I think he is a great actor who consistently delivers a rare mix of intensity, humor and sexiness that I usually only equate to things like IHOP’s Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity breakfast menu item. However, much like IHOP, what James also delivers in generous portions is a heaping helping of cuckoo crazy. Continue reading

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