When touching young Hollywood starlets, I do so enjoy the thrill of the chase and the very real chance of contracting a venereal disease. However, it is the more mature silver screen royalty who I enjoy pursuing most of all. This is particularly true of Oscar winners, because their skin is extra soft and they have that new car smell. But, much like Mel Gibson’s sanity, Oscar winners are hard to find. This is why I was so surprised and excited to have crashed a party recently, only to find myself staring down the ample bosom of Academy Award-winner Susan Sarandon.
Well, I guess I really shouldn’t have been so surprised. After all, I did crash a Susan Sarandon meet and greet at the Sonoma Film Festival. My Latino drinking buddy and sock stylist Manuel had gotten me in. And there was Susan, looking resplendent in a burgundy Chinese silk wrap-around number that would make Helen Mirren insane with jealousy.
When I saw Susan, I had to think back to the first time I had ever experienced her work and how ironic that experience was in light of this very moment as an official Celebrity Toucher™. The Rocky Horror Picture Show was the entertainment vehicle. A very young Susan was on the big screen dressed in nothing more than her D-cup Maidenform bra and lacy panties, singing a song with the lyrics: “Ta, Ta, Ta, Ta, Touch Me! I wanna feel dirty!” Well guess what Susan? Tonight it wasn’t only going to be your hot 30 year old ping pong-playing boyfriend who was going to be touching you. It would be me, the original Celebrity Toucher™. As far as the “feeling dirty” part goes, well, you are on your own unless you want to do Kiehl’s mud masks together over a cup of Celestial Seasonings.
You must understand, with an Oscar winner, I really don’t like to leave anything to chance in my Celebrity Touch™. This is why I was going to execute the daring, patented “Back to Back” lean in. For this maneuver, I would position myself behind Susan and slowly lean back until my back touched hers. Now, this may sound like an easy move, but let me remind you of the time my faithful companion Spice Rack (see Ben Stiller Touch) leaned too far back into Jeremy Piven, actually toppling over due to her top- heavy nature, sending them both cascading to the ground in a heap of breasts and hair plugs.
Needless to say, I wasn’t about to let that happen with Susan. I moved in behind her as she was taking pictures with the amateur celebrity stalkers (Remember: a real Celebrity Toucher™ NEVER takes a picture with a celebrity… that is beneath us). I set my feet properly, aligned my back at the right trajectory and began the slow, slow, slow lean back. Well, dear reader, that’s when things headed the same direction as Tara Reid’s career… downward. I was bumped by a waitress and I was about to pull a Spice Rack.
Thankfully, my years in the Blue Man Group paid off and I was able to catch my balance before I squashed this Oscar winner with my broad shoulders (and tiny, tiny waist). However, I did touch her a lot harder than I would ever touch myself. Startled, I turned to look to see if she even noticed, which amazingly, she hadn’t. I guess too many ping pong balls hitting her in the face had dulled her senses. Premium, Academy Award-level Celebrity Ta, Ta, Ta, Ta, Touch ™ secured and no one ended up feeling dirty.