Poor Christina Aguilera can’t seem to catch a break lately. First she accidentally marries her Uncle Sal, the accountant, which only leads to divorce (and a child who will surely have no chin). Then she releases an album and movie that made even homosexuals bored. Can you imagine??? And, to round out this rather horrible stage in her career, she flubbed the “Star Spangled Banner” at the Super Bowl (which was still way more tolerable than that horrifying halftime performance by the Ewoks). All this activity reminded me of the time I touched Christina Aguilera.
The location was a post-Grammy Awards party at the Chateau Marmont in Hollywood. Really quite the scene for Celebrity Touching™, this event featured a cavalcade of celebutards who were easy pickings for even the most amateur Celebrity Toucher: Matthew Perry, Leona Lewis, Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie, Lindsay Lohan, Ryan Phillipe and many more. One of my favorite touches of the evening was Mischa Barton. Now, while touching her was actually just OK, it was much more entertaining watching her try to convince the bouncer in the VIP area why she was an actual VIP, all the while wearing a silly flowered headband. (Note: Real celebrities don’t wear flower-encrusted headbands or glitter tube tops, Mischa!).
I was with my friend Julie the Mischief Maker as we glided past Mischa and her floral headwreck into the VIP section. It was rather crowded, which was a boon for Shakespearean actor Kenneth Branagh, who was grabbing young starlets’ buttocks, completely unnoticed (much like his career lately.) For some inexplicable reason, the King was also in the VIP area. And, when I say King, I naturally mean the Burger King, who was apparently a sponsor of this event, because nothing says high class glamour like a Whopper and a side of “Why the F*ck is there a giant Burger King mascot in the VIP area at the Chateau Marmont?!?”
The King was apparently hawking a new menu item – Apple Fries. While I am sure congealed fried apple slices are tempting, his efforts went pretty much unnoticed by all, including a visibly impaired Christina Aguilera, teetering in the corner with Uncle Sal. Spotting an opportunity for a high-quality celebrity touch, Jules and I moved in for the kill. And, dear reader, that is when things went horribly wrong, thanks to… you guessed it… Kanye West, who had just emerged from the bathroom. You see in the commotion caused by King Douche Kanye West’s entrance, the massive-headed Burger King was bumped. Which would have been fine had he not been carrying a full tray of Apple Fries, which cascaded like so many bad reviews down on Christina Aguilera’s head.
Christina was understandably befuddled, waving her arms in the air like a used car lot inflatable. The King panicked. Kanye ignored it. And, Christina… well, she pretty much lost her mind acting like a homeless person in a Bloomingdales. In all the confusion that followed, Jules and I made our move, catching Christina on the back as he stormed out. And that, my friends, is how I touched Christina Aguilera (and learned to love Apple Fries).