Stealth is the sign of any truly great celebrity who wants to avoid being noticed. Good stealth techniques can make a celebrity’s trip to Long John Silver’s all that much more enjoyable. Stars utilize a wide variety of intricate technologies to achieve stealth: dark sunglasses, wigs and Von Dutch trucker hats (bonus points to me for dated pop culture reference!). But charismatic-rap-star-turned-wooden-actor Ice-T has mastered another stealth technique – Distraction. And, he uses the most powerful form of distraction known to man – it’s called Coco.
As far as I can tell, Coco is human, but at some point the government should really take a stand on when too much silicone renders the body into an action figure. Coco is rapper-turned-crazy-guy-sitting-in-handicap-seats-near-the-front-of-the-bus Ice-T’s curvaceous wife, with physics-defying boobs and an ass that could house two Kim Kardashians. And trust me, this Coco isn’t shy about showing off her marshmallows.
During a recent trip to New York, I happened upon Coco as she bounded like a Hippity Hop through La Guardia Airport, leaving smoldering heaps of manhood in her wake. Her outfit: dead-hooker-in-the-trunk-of-my-car acrylic heels, what appeared to be a fur bathmat mini skirt, and a baby doll t-shirt so small it only covered about 3/4 of her ample bosom (peak-a-boo!). Yes, all eyes, including mine strangely, were fixated on Coco. So much so, that no one noticed, walking five feet in front of her, was rapper-turned-black-Michelin-Man Ice-T. He was in one of the busiest airports in the US and no one was noticing him, thanks to his stealth distraction technique: Coco. I would have missed him too, but boobs can only hypnotize the gays for so long before we start critiquing the clothes they are encased in.
Once Coco’s spell wore off, I noticed rapper-turned-angry-Starbuck’s-barista Ice-T and was able to concentrate on the fact that I needed to touch him. Unfortunately, he and Coco were heading right on to the plane. Luckily, however, we were on the same plane. And this is where rapper-turned-irrelevant Ice-T made a rookie mistake. He allowed Coco to sit by the window in first class (potentially blocking everyone’s view out said window, which is rude), and he sat on the aisle. All good stars know to always sit by the window to avoid autograph hounds and that woman who doesn’t realize that when she turns sideways that, yes, her ass is in your face… I mean, really in your face…
I got on the plane and casually strolled down the aisle. Coco’s breasts again caught me with their gaze. How was she doing that??? I regained my composure just in time to gently brush past rapper-turned-Whitney-Houston-on-a-bad-day Ice-T’s right shoulder, careful not to catch his slightly effeminate afro ponytail on my Jack Spade Messenger Bag. Celebrity touch secured. And valuable lesson learned: distraction is a powerful weapon, but in the wrong hands, it can prove deadly (I have no idea what that means, but I needed a clever closer.)