It is a rare day when my celebrity location assistant powers (or the CLAP, as I call it) miss a star in my midst, particularly two of them at the same time. And even more particularly, two celebrities as scandal-ridden as Cracker Barrel sweetheart LeAnn Rimes and beefcake tomato Eddie Cibrian. You may know her better as the country music vixen who also specializes in Hollywood interior decorating, or as we call it where I grew up – Home Wrecking. Yep – ladies grab your husbands, because when this buttermilk biscuit is looking for some gravy, she don’t care if it is already on your plate or not. Just ask Third Watch-star Eddie Cibrian’s ex wife.
The reason the CLAP wasn’t operating at full capacity during this celebrity touch moment is that I was trying to operate on three hours of sleep on a 6 am flight back home from New Orleans. This is normally not a problem but the amount of white trash fumes I had inhaled on Bourbon Street the night before had made me practically comatose. A text from my ever-alert travel companion Elizabeth who was seated back in coach where she belonged (there was only one upgrade available… don’t judge!), called my attention to the fact that LeAnn and Eddie were seated right in front of me.
I will spare you the blow-by-blow color commentary around all the canoodling that was going on one row in front of me, because the real issue was, in my delicate state, how was I going to touch them and not have them notice? I think we can all remember that time, in a drunken stupor, I tried to gently glide past Nell Carter, tripped and ended up lodged in her cleavage for three days.
As fate would have it, LeAnn helped me out when she put her hand on the back of her seat (I am guessing to stretch her left breast? Do girls do this???). More out of the urge to pass out than anything else, I leaned forward and touched her hand with my hair. Thus, the before-thought-impossible “Hair to Hand” celebrity touch was invented. Eddie was much easier. He kept leaning over to… I am guessing here… stretch her right breast??? As he did this for the hundredth time, I grazed his elbow between the seats with my pinky finger. A rare celebrity-couple touch completed!
In the end, I think we all learned an important lesson here: Don’t eat biscuits at Cracker Barrel or someone will surely touch your gravy.