So while in Milan, I attended an expensive event with cheap appetizers that was filled with Italian celebrities, who basically looked like your average Milanese factory workers but with slim fit tuxedos and feathered blow outs. There was only one major touch worthy celebrity in the bunch, and that was fashion designer Donatella Versace.
First of all, let’s be very clear about one thing: Donatella up close looks like the female guitar player from the Muppets, Janice. That’s of course, if the Muppets were made of old leather, rather than foam. The paparazzi (I am in Italy now, where that word actually means something) went nuts when Donatella arrived and promptly retreated to the elevated VIP section, along with a smattering of Italian soap opera stars, or as we call them in America: “prostitutes.”
This presented a big celebrity touching challenge. I wasn’t in the VIP section (strange, right?). I was down on the dance floor (naturally). How could I touch her way up there in her ivory VIP tower? I needed a miracle, and it came in the form of high fashion, as it always should.
Now I am generally opposed to open-toe shoes because everyone knows that’s how you get your toes cut off in mall escalators. But in this instance, I fully appreciated them, because Donatella was now at the rail of the VIP area overlooking the dance floor and her calloused orange toes were exposed and ripe for touching.
I know it is disgusting to touch other people’s feet unless you are in a bus station bathroom, but this was my chance. I glided across the floor to whatever horrible Kylie Minogue remix was playing, reached up as if to do the gay “This is my favorite song ever” cheer, then grazed her second toe (it stuck out further than her big toe) with my hand. And, that, is how you touch a fashion icon — as far away from her face as humanly possible.