Still in New York and boy has this been celebrity touching central lately. I feel like Heidi Fleiss at a Charlie Sheen convention. Tuesday night I went to the premiere of the romantic comedy “My One and Only” starring Kevin Bacon and Renee Zellweger. Now, one would think that I was there to touch them, but that simply wasn’t the case. I did want to confirm that Renee is actually a fat albino Chinese woman, which is indeed the case (you have seen that face she makes in photos, right? Tell me she doesn’t look like a fat albino Chinese woman!).
Didn’t touch Renee… didn’t really want to. The person I was after was someone much more interesting. Talk, dark, darker, darkest and surprisingly still pretty darn handsome. Of course, I am talking about the king of the tanning bed, Mr. George Hamilton. The first thing you notice about George is that his skin is a very creamy leather, not like that leather you see on those fake Coach bags on Manhattan street corners. It is more like the Corinthian leather from the backseat of that 1977 Chrysler Cordoba where you lost your virginity. Remember?
I encountered George at the after party, which was packed, so I did the classic shoulder to shoulder touch. My left shoulder, his right shoulder as we walked past each other. Thankfully, it was a really quick brush-by. I would never want to linger too long next to George because my alabaster skin looks nearly translucent next to his. And, I wanted to go stare at Renee’s crazy Chinese (maybe Korean?) face a little longer.