Whoa… it has certainly been a busy week for your friendly celebrity toucher. It probably helps that I attended the premiere of the film “Inglorious Basterds” in Hollywood. Now, this little picture stars Brad Pitt, meaning the holy grail of all touchable targets could be in attendance. No, not Brad, silly. ANGELINA JOLIE!
I arrived to the premiere looking dapper with the lovely Elizabeth on my arm, and made my way down the red carpet. There was Brad up on a platform with that annoying girl from Entertainment Tonight(name them, they are all annoying) interviewing him. Way too far away for a touching. I breezed by BJ Novak (The Office) and touched his back. No big thrill.
Once inside, I just about hit the floor. There, standing not 20 feet away, was my target, Angelina. She was looking skinny as hell in a black leather strapless dress I am sure I have seen before on RuPaul. Angie (I call her Angie) is taller than you would expect, but damn girl… eat a cheeseburger… and some curly fries! She is so flipping skinny. Her hair looked like it needed a good V05 Hot Oil Treatment too (Walgreen’s honey, $4.95). She was talking to three people who looked like publicists because they were wearing expensive shoes and cheap outfits. This certainly wasn’t enough protection to prevent a good, old fashion celebrity touching.
Two of the publicists moved away as I moved in. As I got close enough for a casual touch, the other dude (read: gay… PS. All male publicists are gay) totally blocked my attempt. Bastard! I almost punched him in his over-done Dolce & Gabana belt buckle (tickety tack tacky).
Thwarted, I kept moving past them, not losing my casual stride. Once safely in the opposite corner, I planned my trajectory again and worked my way back to Angelina.
*Celebrity Touching Tip (TM): Now, the key here is to act like you are looking for someone else in the lobby, kind of walking around aimlessly, eyes darting, stumbling into potted plants, completely ignoring Andy Dick (which is really easy to do). Don’t ever let your target know that you have even seen or recognized them. Now, back to the chase:
I walked up, eased in close, the sweat glistening from my brow. I was just so close to touching a rare breed… a dodo bird of celebrity. As I approached her from behind, she pushed back her elbow ever so slightly – perfect! I reached up my hand as I glided by her looking for my imaginary friend, and gently touched Angelina on her left elbow. SUCCESS! (albeit exceptionally bony) I gave myself an internal high-five and moved on.
But, that wasn’t all that night. There was a real cavalcade of celebrity touching. Russell Simmons (with his new bimbo on his shoulder); Methodman looking for ho’s; Cameryn Manheim, who was hitting on my friend Elizabeth; Samm Levine (not really a celebrity, but he is the dork in almost any teen movie you have never seen) and Eli Roth, who is awesome in the movie.
I must admit… I did proactively walk up to Sarah Silverman and say to her “So, Sarah Silverman, do you actually have anything to say to Brad Pitt, or do you just touch him?” She didn’t think I was funny and shunned me (proof again, that I should only be touching, not talking, to celebrities).
Of course, the one that got away was Brad Pitt himself. Too many people for me to get close enough. I made a stab for it as he was rushing to the exit with Angelina, but security blocked me.
Oh yeah… and Kanye West was there… but who gives a crap about Kanye West. His ego was so big it created an impenetrable touching shield around him.
Overall, a great night for celebrity touching. I rewarded myself with a SKYY Vodka White Russian… which is what Angie is drinking this picture from the premiere. Klassy ’til the end.