I Touch Celebrities

I Touched Jessica Simpson – What A Doll!

Posted on October 30, 2012

I’m A Barbie Girl, In a Barbie World

The iconic Barbie Doll was first unleashed on an unsuspecting world in 1959 (the same year Fidel Castro came to power in Cuba, which explains a lot). A huge hit for Mattel, apparently the throngs of repressed, Pall Mall-smoking mothers who bought them for their precocious daughters didn’t give much thought to the fact that Barbie’s proportions didn’t reflect reality in the least. If she was a real person, Barbie would be a horrifying 33” hips, 18” waist – same as mine – and a Dolly-challenging 39” bust, all immortalized in shiny, slick and highly-flammable plastic (apologies to my sisters… plastic boobs are Zippo magnets). Barbie’s glossy, seam-busting frame is exactly what came to mind the night I touched Jessica Simpson. Continue reading →

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I Touched Julianne Moore – The Day a Ginger Saved My Life

Posted on May 30, 2012

: I am hair for you

If there is one thing I pride myself on more than my long glamorous eye lashes, it is my ability to find a good stiff cocktail when I really need one. You know, like after enduring any episode of The Voice that features Christina Aguilera (one of my most dramatic past Celebrity Touch™ victims). But there are times that my inherent booze GPS fails me, leaving me as parched as Courtney Love’s lady area after a night of unfiltered Marlboros, Red Baron Pizzas and collagen injections. I faced such an occurrence recently in New York’s West Village and the only thing that pulled me through was the freckle-faced oasis that is Academy-Award nominee Julianne Moore. Continue reading →

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I Touched Steven Cojocaru – Quick Touch

Posted on March 9, 2012

Steven Cojocaru or Meg Ryan - You Decide

Celebrity Touch Target: Steven Cojocaru

Why: Because I am having a celebrity touching dry spell lately and this C-list television fashion critic just happened to be standing there

Where: Los Angeles International Airport

How: They say that clothes make the man, but in the case of fashion victim… oops I mean critic… Steven Cojocaru, I would argue that hair makes the man… look like a woman. I noticed Meg Ryan standing in the United Airlines Premier Executive line (that would mean she was BEHIND me) boarding a flight to San Francisco. Then, as the always-flattering fluorescent light caught just the right angle, I noticed that Meg Ryan was actually fashion gadfly Steven Cojocaru. Same stringy, bleached hair, vagina and puffy lips (redundant, sorry), but just a little more feminine than Meg. Now, granted, Cojo, as he likes to be called by housewives at the Kohl’s makeup counter, isn’t truly a celebrity, but I have been celebrity touch-free lately, so we will allow it. In order to touch Flojo, I decided to suddenly decelerate, letting those people who were just going to get pulled out of line anyway for not boarding at the right time, breeze past me. This put my modest caboose on a collision course with the flame-buoyant Today Show correspondent. Thankfully, his hair bags must have deployed just in the nick of time because he only gently grazed me with his murse, saving me years of therapy if something else would have bumped into my rump. Celebrity-ish Touch secured!

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I Touched Calvin Klein – Quick Touch

Posted on November 6, 2011

Naked Statues Make Me Think

Celebrity Touch Target: Calvin Klein

Why: Because the famous fashion designer has been in my pants for years

Where: The new Uniqlo store in SOHO

How: The last place you would expect to find Calvin Klein is at a Japanese discount clothing store in Manhattan, but there he was, floating down the stairs with his little Gasian (gay-Asian… no relation to the Craisin). This time, something did come between him and his Calvin (digital high-five to me for dated Brooke Shield’s reference). I had to be careful, because Gasians are known to attack blond white guys without warning and the last thing I need is to be mauled by someone in a crocheted Fendi poncho. As Calvin walked by, I bent down as if to tie my white LA Gear high tops, cautiously reached out and touched his pant leg. I then quickly curled up in the fetal position to protect myself from the furious attack which never materialized. Celebrity Touch™ secured!

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I Touched Aretha Franklin – R.E.S.P.E.C.T.

Posted on September 18, 2011

: Before and After… Way After

There are stars in the world who are on a very special Celebrity Touch™ list that I call the “That Bitch is Gonna Die” list. This is the list of celebrities who I need to hurry up and touch before they die, because once they are dead, it is really hard to touch them and not feel just a bit creepy. Now, you can make it on the list if your personal tragedies HAVE interfered with your ability to do good hair (Amy Winehouse), you are just plain old (I got my eye on you Betty White) or you have some health ailment, usually obesity, that is going to lead to a very early demise. The person at the top of that category is the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, who is my latest Celebrity Touch victim. Continue reading →

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I Touched 50 Cent – Keep The Change

Posted on July 31, 2011

: Bullet-Proof Vests as Outerwear

There are only a few celebrities I have touched where I feared for my life. Rapper Ice-T was one of them (for obvious reasons). Boy George was another (for even more obvious reasons). But the one that truly made me wish Marc Jacobs made a brocade Kevlar vest was rapper 50 Cent. Continue reading →

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I Touched Susan Sarandon – I Wanna Feel Dirty

Posted on April 17, 2011

: Touch These!

When touching young Hollywood starlets, I do so enjoy the thrill of the chase and the very real chance of contracting a venereal disease. However, it is the more mature silver screen royalty who I enjoy pursuing most of all. This is particularly true of Oscar winners, because their skin is extra soft and they have that new car smell. But, much like Mel Gibson’s sanity, Oscar winners are hard to find. This is why I was so surprised and excited to have crashed a party recently, only to find myself staring down the ample bosom of Academy Award-winner Susan Sarandon. Continue reading →

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I Touched Jennifer Hudson – Skinny Is As Skinny Does

Posted on April 5, 2011

: What Happened To The Rest of Me?

I have always been a proponent of the time-honored fashion mandate: We don’t wear leather in 90-degree weather and we don’t dress frilly when it is kind of chilly. Of course, as a celebrity you can be tempted to not always follow this golden rule, because if Marc Jacobs says the hottest trend for winter is an off-the-shoulder Glad sandwich bag, well then you wear an off-the-shoulder Glad sandwich bag… no matter what the temperature. Thankfully, there are some stars who know that classic style doesn’t come with a ziplock. One of those is Oscar-winner Jennifer Hudson. Continue reading →

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I Touched Robin Roberts – Quick Touch

Posted on March 25, 2011

: Don’t You Ask Me About Rhianna!

Celebrity Touch Target: Robin Roberts

Why: Because the Good Morning America host just made Chris Brown lose his sh*t and his shirt

Where: United Airlines Flight 642 from JFK to SFO

How: Robin Roberts is a striking woman, but no more so lately after interviewing someone who is famous for striking a woman. I spotted Robin boarding my flight at JFK, practically glowing from all the attention she has been getting recently following her interview with and subsequent freak out by R&B singer and Ike Turner-wannabe Chris Brown. As she boarded the plane, Robin definitely had a certain “Take that Diane Sawyer!” air about her. While making my way back to coach (Why has the Lord forsaken me so!), I spotted Robin in First Class, struggling with her bag. Instead of helping her, like the gentleman I am not, I slinked behind her, grazing the back she was straining trying to insert her Samsonite into the overhead. Celebrity Touch™ secured!

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I Touched Adele – Quick Touch

Posted on March 7, 2011

: Tasty!

Celebrity Touch Target: Adele

Why: Because this UK singer and Hefty Hideway gal is burning up the charts

Where: London Hotel West Hollywood

How: I have to credit my faithful travel companion Elizabeth for this one, as I was not paying attention when Adele’s black Escalade pulled into the valet line. It must have been because I was admiring my new Ted Baker leather coat in the mirror, which is truly fantastic. Anyway, as Adele sprung (well, more like kinda flopped) from the car, Elizabeth slapped me hard across the face, with her good hand, and pointed her out. I sprung into action, pretending to walk back into the hotel right in front of her. As Adele neared the door, I opened it for her, as a gentleman does, touching her on the shoulder as she walked past (as only a creepy gentleman does). Touch secured!

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Celebrity Touches